I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
