I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
