There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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