If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
