My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
