sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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