dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
it was like eating out sand paper
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I love how my cats smell like pot.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
