I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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