I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
