Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
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When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, beer. Big fan.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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