Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I have feelings that need drinking.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
