Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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