I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
My dick has a subreddit
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
