Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
what day is it and did you see me today?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
