I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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