I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
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