So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
