i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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