I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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