I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
