My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
