I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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