Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
