I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
