This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
