I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
