i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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