Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
