i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I want her autograph on my taint
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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