listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
