and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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