I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
