Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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