hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
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Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize