I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
