the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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