Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Randomize
