did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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