end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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