just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
