I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
