my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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