remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
we made out on top of his cat.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
