What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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