fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
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I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
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He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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