OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
