Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
