I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
