Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
