does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I want to walk on stilts...naked
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
