Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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