the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I love you. Go after that dick
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
