cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The beer is more important than you right now.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
