I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
