god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
