I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
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I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
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Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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