know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
