My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
