That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
