apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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