I am spending my child support on dildos
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We're too hungover to prance.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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